Confessions Of A Bankrupt Giver - Word Up 2012

Last year, I was struggling to choose my Word, and my wise friend Polly told me not to worry – that my Word would chose me – she was right – thank you Polly.  I think I probably knew it needed to be Rest, but the Word wasn’t near as appealing to me as others like Success, Achieve, or Accomplish.  And, this year is no different – there are words that are much more appealing to my psyche, but the Word that calls to my soul is

 

Receive 

 

I know, it sounds incredibly selfish-right?  I mean we all know that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”  I have battled with this myself, but the truth is I have nothing to give that I have not first received. Truly, the great givers are first great receivers.   I am not proud of what I’m going to share here, in fact, I'm embarrassed by it – but, the truth is the truth, and my hope is that you won’t make the mistakes I’ve made, or – if you have, you know, at the very least, that you are not alone. 

Historically, I have been a terrible receiver.  Exhibit A:  Early in our marriage, McStudly bought me a pair of diamond earrings, and I made him take them back.  My reasoning was that the money should be spent on him and the kids – noble right?  Wrong.  It was wrong on so many levels - I denied myself the opportunity to receive McStudly’s love, and worse, I denied McStudly the blessing and joy of giving.  Exhibit B:  Compliments make me incredibly uncomfortable, and I often down play them, ignore them, or reject them outright. Exhibit C:   I hate to ask for help, and often reject it when it’s offered.  Exhibit D:  McStudly and I have often joked that “should there be a loss in cabin pressure”, I wouldn’t just put the mask on my kids first, I’d also make sure that McStudly had his mask on, and all of the strangers around me had their masks on too, before I tried to put on my own I died.  I could go through to Exhibit Z, but you get the point here. 

While my Word has nothing to do with money (it is about receiving love, grace, rest, joy, peace . . .), the most clear example that I can share is from a monetary perspective - so we'll go with that.  I wouldn’t think of giving money we didn’t have to charity on a credit card, of borrowing money to give, such that my family had to go without food, shelter, and clothing.  No, we give out the cash we have, out of the financial blessings we’ve received.   Yet, I have not been so wise emotionally and spiritually.  In fact, most of my life I have been giving on what we’ll call my Emotional & Spiritual Credit Card (E&S Credit Card), and I have driven myself deep into emotional and spiritual debt –so deep, that I had to declare E&S Bankruptcy when my midlife crisis hit.  Yup, the credit line was shut off, I didn’t have the emotional or spiritual assets to pony up – and so the giving stopped, not by some wise choice on my part – but, by being knocked to my knees in exhaustion and emptiness.

You see I have lived an unconscious lie my entire life.  By unconscious, I mean that I was not mentally aware of what was driving all of this E&S Giving until I hit bottom, and really started to reexamine my life.  And, the lie is this:  If I can just give enough to others, if I can help them enough, heal them enough, care for them enough (out of my emptiness) then somehow, in return, by osmosis or something – they will heal me, fill me up, and mend my soul in return.  And we'd all be whole, and live happily ever after.

Last year, having declared E&S Bankruptcy, I had nothing left to do but receive.  And, I learned that there are two very different kinds of giving.  There is E&S Credit Card giving, that really isn’t authentic giving at all.  It is credit giving, giving out of emptiness - giving with no heart/assets to back it up.  It is a giving that is thick with need, with desperation to receive in return.  Here comes the shame part – it is giving with strings attached.  It’s the kind of giving we all hate to receive – the kind that says, "I’ll give you this, but now you owe me."  Of course, I would never say that out loud, in fact I didn't ever realize I was doing it until I started resenting people for not living up to their end of this unspoken, unilateral, contractual bargain I had somehow created within.  You know, its the kind of giving we respond to with – "well, if I’m gonna owe ya, I’d just rather not have your gift in the first place."  It puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the receiver to perform, and sadly, pressure to give in return what another human being is incapable of giving to me (healing, wholeness, peace, etc).  It is the heavy burden, ill-fitting kind of giving – where you’re praying to God – "um, what is this easy yoke and light burden of which you speak – because I’m not getting it??"

The other kind of giving, I began to discover by accident by grace last year – is what I’ll refer to as Cash Giving.  As I was receiving and being filled up, I began to experience a new kind of giving - the kind that came naturally, lightly, freely, joyfully.  It is the kind of giving that comes out of the abundance of love, joy, peace, compassion, and kindness that I’ve received from God – and freely share with others.  It is what I’d call authentic giving – giving for the sheer joy of giving, giving with no strings attached, because it comes not out of need and desperation, but out of the fullness and joy of what has already been received.  There is a simplicity, a warmth, and a genuineness to it that truly is an easy burden, that truly is well-fitting.  And, that, my friends is the most beautiful, most blessed thing on earth - and that's the kind of receiving and giving I want to see more of in my life. 

But, let me be brutally honest - this is going to be an incredible challenge for me, for a couple of reasons.  First, because it requires a constant quieting of the mind, and turning to God to receive his grace (his joy, peace, love, mercy, kindness, freedom, fullness . . .).  As D.L. Moody, said:  “A man can no more take in a supply of grace for the future than he can eat enough today to last him for the next 6 months, nor can he inhale sufficient air into his lungs with one breath to sustain life for a week to come. We are permitted to draw upon God's store of grace from day to day as we need it.”  And, well, last year, I found that my tendency was to get filled up, and get on my way about giving and living, and before I knew it, I was running on that E&S Credit Card again.

And, secondly, God gives grace to the humble (the dependent, the ones who live in childlike trust).   You see, there is a vulnerability and humility in receiving that I find very uncomfortable.  As the E&S Giver, I have at least some semblance of dignity and control – when I give, to whom, and how much.  As the receiver, well, “life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get.”  And, there is humility, too in receiving – the very Word connotes as a precursor to it – need (*gasp*).  I often prefer living with the illusion that I don’t need anything, as I rather be the "proud" giver than some “needy” receiver.   And, it is that kind of pride (independence) that drove this chick straight into E&S Bankruptcy Court!

Yes, it’s going to be a challenge for me.  But, God is Good, and ever and always there to help this truly needy soul.  And, I know my Red Flags – that will help, too.  Whenever I’m feeling exhausted, empty, lonely, depressed, and frustrated that I’m doing all of this giving, and others aren’t giving in return – well, “There’s your sign, Kelly”, your sign to stop giving on your E&S Credit Card.  That’s when I know my phone is ringing – it’s God calling to tell me to rest, to receive – to allow him to fill me up so that I have something authentically beautiful and good - something of Him - to give.

And, in this respect, I find it much more blessed to receive (and to give out of that abundance).  So, here’s to cutting up my E&S Credit Card, to Receiving, and Giving with Emotional and Spiritual Cash!

TTFN,

Kelly

P.S.  I’m sorry there are no pretty pictures today.  After the busy holiday season, and a very busy week at the shop, I need to do some receiving, and then I’m going to pick up a bag of apples, and enjoy an afternoon hanging out with my daughter, and feeding her horses (they love apples :o) !!

Comments

[Wendy]

I just wanted you to know that this post does not need a pretty picture to take away from the depth of the post. This post deals with heart issues and I applaud you for allowing us your readers to share in this corner of your life. Thank you for being honest. I think your word for the year is awesome. May God richly bless you as you become a receiver this next year!

[Kris of Dandelion Quilts]

What a fitting word then, Kelly. Good choice.

[Allie]

I think most women could relate to this Kelly, we're taught to be givers at our own expense....we give and give until all the giving is squeezed out of us and we're left limp and dry as dust. I pray that God's grace will abound to you this year, and that you learn to receive with a truly thankful heart. It's HARD to receive gracefully....really, really hard. But how will we really understand humility until we do.

[Joy]

This is a great word Kelly and something we all probably need to do at one stage in life, but most of us are not as brave as you! Well done and I am sure that God will be with you as you go through this lesson in life... and the good thing about learning to receive is that it will bless others :)
lv,
Joy

[Josie]

sooo, has he given you another pair of earings?? Sorry had to lighten it up first. I am so happy for your soul that you are in a place that you can see yourself and know what you need. That is not to say that it is going to be an easy goal to atain. But it is like (sorry for the analogy) an alcoholic finally admitting they have a problem! You lift me up and I do hope that I can get to that point in my life as well! Thank you so much for opening yourself to us.

[Mickie]

Found you via Allie....I just love your post and your word. I'm sharing this with a number of my women friends. Your words really touched me and I think I will choose a word this year too. Thank you for being so very honest. I learned a lot about myself from this post too. Hugs, Mickie

[Linda Schrankel]

Excellent! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. There are many of us that totally able to relate exactly to what you have put so eloquently into words. Sometimes it is as though we have nothing more to give!
I have selected my word--as I was sitting in the waiting room as my husband was having another heart procedure--I will write more about it later--but my word for the year is "Value" as a noun and as a verb. God Bless!

[Linda Schrankel]

I forgot to add... The picture you have for 2012 reminds my of a poem that was given to us following our son's death, "Footprints." Another friend did the entire poem in counted cross stitch which has hung on my bedroom wall for 30 years.

[WendyMT]

Bless you, Kelly ... you are a gift for which I'm grateful :) Hugs to you!!

[Cynthia Gallegos]

Hi Kelly,
I have the same problem about not receiving compliments of my husband saying that I am beautiful. Instead I tell him oh thank you, I'm sure you are just saying that because your my husband. I know I need to stop doing that and just tell him thank you or that is nice or sweet of you to say that. If I am all cleaned up and with make up on I believe he means it but when I am without make-up and just feel like I must look so homely I have a hard time believing him.

I know when we have loaned out money we always tell them that when ever you have thing under control then you can pay us back a little bit here and there. Well that here and there never seems to come. I do get to feeling that we were taken advantage of. I'm talking like many years ago too. We have learned out lesson though.

[Marge Davies]

Come on Kelly. We'd all like to check out on life but we can't. I'd like to say I have given all I can give but I can't. I'd like to only to recieve but I can't and neither can you. You have to get on with life. Come on Kelly, You can do it.
Marge

[buy risperdal]

Hey I attempted to e-mail you about this post that i have a few inquires but cant seem to achieve ...

[Karen Gonzalez]

Thanks to my dear hubby I learned to say "thank you" when he presented me with a gift from his heart. I was in my 40's when I learned that skill.
This is typical of women. We think of others before ourselves.
Let others say thank you for your kind deeds. Let others show you how much they love you. It feels really good after a few times of getting use to it.
Your emotional and spiritual tank will be full and so will your heart.

Welcome to the club, hope to see a smile on your face soon.
Might want to apologize and explain to hubby of your new ability to say thank you...Karencg

[katieQ]

When I first read your post on Friday, it hit so close to home that I could not formulate a reply. I've reread it and thought about it all weekend. I recognized my own feelings when I have been, in my own thinking, generous to others and they did not seem to appreciate my gesture. I have always felt the need to give, but find it difficult to accept things from other people. Over the last year, I have been working on this same issue. I keep peeling the layers away in hopes of finding who I am and how to become the person I long to be. I know how hard it must be for you to share your journey, but your posts reach so many others who are traveling the same road.

[SuzK]

Boy, Kelly, you hit the nail on the head for most women. We are trained to give, but it's often, as you put it "E&S credit-card" giving; we are not trained to receive and because we don't truly give, we can't truly receive. This was a wonderful, inciteful post that didn't need pretty pictures. Thank you for providing more food for thought!

[Sunny]

I have to agree with KatieQ. THis it so close to home that I was unable to formulate a response when I first read it. I still can't seem to put my thoughts into words, but know that you have touched me.

[Dawn]

Oh My... this is so close for me and many others too Kelly...I want to know who I am, I am spent too, bankrupt and feel like throwing in the towell at times...I have been so exhausted with a health issue and so wanting to do it all that the ones I care so much about suffer... not anymore... God is speaking in His still small voice.. I learnt the hard way last year - my word was NO... this years is...RELY....on Him and His Grace and Love to guide me and direct my paths...
Thanks for such an inspiration that you are...
Hugs Dawn x x

[~ Julie ~]

Oh wow, what a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I, like others here, feel the same way many times. Thank you for your honesty and your optimism. I'm thankful for these few minutes I've taken to read your post. It's given me much needed time for reflection on how I can make some positive changes in my own life! I hope that you are able to receive all that He has to offer you this year!