Charming Chatter

Delightfully Stitching and Some Clarification

I spent some time in the sewing room – and, boy, what a treat!  My dear friend Polly mailed me some of her adorable patterns – and I received them with such delight!  I see a lot of adorable Aunt Polly’s Porch creations to decorate my home in the future!  One of them so stole my heart, that I had to begin work on her right away!

 

This is “Abby Angel in Training” – and she is too cute for words!  Here she is so far:

And, really, Polly – thank you again!  So many smiles and giggles working on this sweet girl! 

I did some other cutting and sewing this weekend, and I’ll share those photos as I try to clear up a few things from my last post.

In trying to keep my post brief (it’s okay to laugh – I know it was a looonnnggg post :o), I think I sacrificed some clarity, and want to clear a few things up.  First, let me say that blogging and all we share together has been one of the greatest, simple joys of my life.  And, let me reassure you, when I was talking about giving with the expectation of receiving healing and wholeness in return, I was not referring to us.  If I have sent you a package of goodies, it was for the sheer joy of brightening your life a bit.  There was never a thought that somehow quilting goodies would make you whole, or that you’d make me whole in return.  I was referring to the close, intimate relationships in life, beginning early on with my mom, and continuing into my relationship with McStudly.  And, this giving in the hopes of finding wholeness, while it’s not pretty, is quite normal for us as human beings.  Women often seek wholeness in their mates, while men often seek wholeness in success at work. 

 

Which brings me to my next point, relating to the E & S Bankruptcy, because, I’ve not only sought wholeness in McStudly, but also through work.  I am a finite human being, with limited resources to give.  And, while we do have many wonderful memories as a family that I’m grateful for, the bottom line is that I expended too many of resources at work, and there were far too many evenings and weekends, when I came home empty, exhausted, and preoccupied with work – and did not have the resources left to give my family what they deserved.  This is a tremendous source of painful regret for me.   

Last year was a transformational year in my life, with much healing, love and downright fun.  And, I attribute that in great part to the fact that I did very little working outside the home, and to that little word “Rest”.  I came into 2012 rejuvenated, and very excited about starting a rather large work project, that has been on my heart for some time.  Yet, that excitement was tempered by fear – fear that I would fall back into my old workaholic habits, and neglect my family. 

 But, alas, we cannot live our lives in fear.  In the end, all a person can do is examine how they are living their lives, and examine the kind of fruit that life is bearing in their heart – because that is always the fruit we project out into the world, and that is the fruit that is projected back to us from the world.

I have done that, and I think that might be the greatest lesson of last year.  There are two kinds of living and giving.  One comes out of human effort and a sense of lack (Fruit:  anxiety, pressure, loneliness, emptiness, exhaustion . . .).  The other comes out of abiding in the present moment in the abundance of God (Fruit:  Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness . . . and I’ll add in Downright Fun).

You see, I have a wonderful family, many wonderful friends, and some wonderful work to do in this life – and all of them deserve the best I have to give.  Yes, I plan on doing a lot of Giving this year – and, as such, I’m going to have to do a lot of Receiving from Big Guy if that Giving is to bear Good Fruit.

Sunny, mentioned that her Word last year was “Blessings”, and she signed her posts with that - each time being a little reminder of her Word.  I thought it was a wonderful idea – so I plan to end each post this year with a little something about my Word.  This is the thought that keeps coming to me today:

 

God is the human whisperer within.  Our souls must be quietly at rest, and our hearts open to receive, in order to hear Him.

TTFN,

Kelly

Confessions Of A Bankrupt Giver - Word Up 2012

Last year, I was struggling to choose my Word, and my wise friend Polly told me not to worry – that my Word would chose me – she was right – thank you Polly.  I think I probably knew it needed to be Rest, but the Word wasn’t near as appealing to me as others like Success, Achieve, or Accomplish.  And, this year is no different – there are words that are much more appealing to my psyche, but the Word that calls to my soul is

 

Receive 

 

I know, it sounds incredibly selfish-right?  I mean we all know that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.”  I have battled with this myself, but the truth is I have nothing to give that I have not first received. Truly, the great givers are first great receivers.   I am not proud of what I’m going to share here, in fact, I'm embarrassed by it – but, the truth is the truth, and my hope is that you won’t make the mistakes I’ve made, or – if you have, you know, at the very least, that you are not alone. 

Historically, I have been a terrible receiver.  Exhibit A:  Early in our marriage, McStudly bought me a pair of diamond earrings, and I made him take them back.  My reasoning was that the money should be spent on him and the kids – noble right?  Wrong.  It was wrong on so many levels - I denied myself the opportunity to receive McStudly’s love, and worse, I denied McStudly the blessing and joy of giving.  Exhibit B:  Compliments make me incredibly uncomfortable, and I often down play them, ignore them, or reject them outright. Exhibit C:   I hate to ask for help, and often reject it when it’s offered.  Exhibit D:  McStudly and I have often joked that “should there be a loss in cabin pressure”, I wouldn’t just put the mask on my kids first, I’d also make sure that McStudly had his mask on, and all of the strangers around me had their masks on too, before I tried to put on my own I died.  I could go through to Exhibit Z, but you get the point here. 

While my Word has nothing to do with money (it is about receiving love, grace, rest, joy, peace . . .), the most clear example that I can share is from a monetary perspective - so we'll go with that.  I wouldn’t think of giving money we didn’t have to charity on a credit card, of borrowing money to give, such that my family had to go without food, shelter, and clothing.  No, we give out the cash we have, out of the financial blessings we’ve received.   Yet, I have not been so wise emotionally and spiritually.  In fact, most of my life I have been giving on what we’ll call my Emotional & Spiritual Credit Card (E&S Credit Card), and I have driven myself deep into emotional and spiritual debt –so deep, that I had to declare E&S Bankruptcy when my midlife crisis hit.  Yup, the credit line was shut off, I didn’t have the emotional or spiritual assets to pony up – and so the giving stopped, not by some wise choice on my part – but, by being knocked to my knees in exhaustion and emptiness.

You see I have lived an unconscious lie my entire life.  By unconscious, I mean that I was not mentally aware of what was driving all of this E&S Giving until I hit bottom, and really started to reexamine my life.  And, the lie is this:  If I can just give enough to others, if I can help them enough, heal them enough, care for them enough (out of my emptiness) then somehow, in return, by osmosis or something – they will heal me, fill me up, and mend my soul in return.  And we'd all be whole, and live happily ever after.

Last year, having declared E&S Bankruptcy, I had nothing left to do but receive.  And, I learned that there are two very different kinds of giving.  There is E&S Credit Card giving, that really isn’t authentic giving at all.  It is credit giving, giving out of emptiness - giving with no heart/assets to back it up.  It is a giving that is thick with need, with desperation to receive in return.  Here comes the shame part – it is giving with strings attached.  It’s the kind of giving we all hate to receive – the kind that says, "I’ll give you this, but now you owe me."  Of course, I would never say that out loud, in fact I didn't ever realize I was doing it until I started resenting people for not living up to their end of this unspoken, unilateral, contractual bargain I had somehow created within.  You know, its the kind of giving we respond to with – "well, if I’m gonna owe ya, I’d just rather not have your gift in the first place."  It puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the receiver to perform, and sadly, pressure to give in return what another human being is incapable of giving to me (healing, wholeness, peace, etc).  It is the heavy burden, ill-fitting kind of giving – where you’re praying to God – "um, what is this easy yoke and light burden of which you speak – because I’m not getting it??"

The other kind of giving, I began to discover by accident by grace last year – is what I’ll refer to as Cash Giving.  As I was receiving and being filled up, I began to experience a new kind of giving - the kind that came naturally, lightly, freely, joyfully.  It is the kind of giving that comes out of the abundance of love, joy, peace, compassion, and kindness that I’ve received from God – and freely share with others.  It is what I’d call authentic giving – giving for the sheer joy of giving, giving with no strings attached, because it comes not out of need and desperation, but out of the fullness and joy of what has already been received.  There is a simplicity, a warmth, and a genuineness to it that truly is an easy burden, that truly is well-fitting.  And, that, my friends is the most beautiful, most blessed thing on earth - and that's the kind of receiving and giving I want to see more of in my life. 

But, let me be brutally honest - this is going to be an incredible challenge for me, for a couple of reasons.  First, because it requires a constant quieting of the mind, and turning to God to receive his grace (his joy, peace, love, mercy, kindness, freedom, fullness . . .).  As D.L. Moody, said:  “A man can no more take in a supply of grace for the future than he can eat enough today to last him for the next 6 months, nor can he inhale sufficient air into his lungs with one breath to sustain life for a week to come. We are permitted to draw upon God's store of grace from day to day as we need it.”  And, well, last year, I found that my tendency was to get filled up, and get on my way about giving and living, and before I knew it, I was running on that E&S Credit Card again.

And, secondly, God gives grace to the humble (the dependent, the ones who live in childlike trust).   You see, there is a vulnerability and humility in receiving that I find very uncomfortable.  As the E&S Giver, I have at least some semblance of dignity and control – when I give, to whom, and how much.  As the receiver, well, “life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get.”  And, there is humility, too in receiving – the very Word connotes as a precursor to it – need (*gasp*).  I often prefer living with the illusion that I don’t need anything, as I rather be the "proud" giver than some “needy” receiver.   And, it is that kind of pride (independence) that drove this chick straight into E&S Bankruptcy Court!

Yes, it’s going to be a challenge for me.  But, God is Good, and ever and always there to help this truly needy soul.  And, I know my Red Flags – that will help, too.  Whenever I’m feeling exhausted, empty, lonely, depressed, and frustrated that I’m doing all of this giving, and others aren’t giving in return – well, “There’s your sign, Kelly”, your sign to stop giving on your E&S Credit Card.  That’s when I know my phone is ringing – it’s God calling to tell me to rest, to receive – to allow him to fill me up so that I have something authentically beautiful and good - something of Him - to give.

And, in this respect, I find it much more blessed to receive (and to give out of that abundance).  So, here’s to cutting up my E&S Credit Card, to Receiving, and Giving with Emotional and Spiritual Cash!

TTFN,

Kelly

P.S.  I’m sorry there are no pretty pictures today.  After the busy holiday season, and a very busy week at the shop, I need to do some receiving, and then I’m going to pick up a bag of apples, and enjoy an afternoon hanging out with my daughter, and feeding her horses (they love apples :o) !!

One Little Word - Word Up 2012

A year ago, I posted our "Word Up" group, and we all chose one little word to focus on for the year - a word that reflected something that we hoped to see more of in our lives.  And, the question was this:  Can one little word change your entire life? 

(More projects I'd like to stitch - some day)

It's been a year now, and I can honestly say- yes!  One little word, can transform your entire life.  I am indebted for this idea to Dianne of Suburban Stitcher where I first saw the idea, and to Ali Edwards @ AE Blog, where I believe this wonderful idea originated!  Thank you girls!

My word last year was REST!  Being a lifelong workaholic, and coming out of an extremely busy year, I knew that I needed physical rest, and a less hectic lifestyle.  Yet, I also sensed that I needed something greater, something deeper - I needed rest for a weary soul. 

("Happy Dreams Bedding Set" by Crabapple Hill)

As I have reflected on the past year, I am amazed at how that one little word changed and transformed my life.  I took a hatchet to my overly busy schedule, and my days are much more serene and happy now!  I learned that true rest for me comes in something I didn't expect - it comes in trusting in the sweet perfection of life! 

(from the book "Quilt Yourself Gorgeous" by Mandy Shaw)

Another part of rest was learning to let go of the expectations of who I should be and how my life should look.  The more I stopped trying to fit like a square peg into a round hole, the more I was able to embrace who I am not only with joy, but with gratitude.   As the year passed, I found myself discovering more and more who I truly am, and what I'm meant to do with this life, what my special gifts are (and what they're not) - in a Word, I learned to be much more comfy in my own skin - just as I am! 

("Bluebird" by Crabapple Hill)

And, without all of those high-pressured expectations, well - I did a lot of resting and relaxing last year - and you know what?  The earth didn't fall off of it's axis, the sun still came up every day, and the stars and moon still came out every night, and we didn't die from having a little extra dust on the furniture- all was still well with the world, even better actually.  I certainly didn't accomplish as much as I have in years past - I didn't get as many organizational projects completed, I didn't make as many quilts and sewing projects, I didn't stay on top of answering e-mails, I didn't sell as much fabric or design as many quilt patterns, my house didn't stay as clean as it used to be, and I sure didn't make more money than in years past. 

("Cottage Flower Pots" Tea Towels by Crabapple Hill)

But, let me share with you a few things that I did do a lot more of in 2011 - I gazed in awe at the beauty of the sunrise more times than I can count.  I sang and I danced - a lot.  I took the time not just to smell the flowers, but to get lost in their beauty and to feel the soft touch of their petals on my nose.  I thoroughly enjoyed exploring the art of cooking with the McStudly's! I savored too many delicious meals to count. I planted a vegetable and herb garden, and thoroughly enjoyed watching it grow.  I traveled, and read wonderful books.  I spent more hours laughing, playing and being down-right silly with my family than I have in a long time.  I snuggled and watched more movies with McStudly, I even took a few naps.  I was more patient, kind, loving and warm to my hubby and my kiddos than ever I thought was possible for a Type A, Perfectionist, Tigger like me! In a Word, I found the freedom to truly enjoy the simple things in life.

(from the book "Sewn Toy Tales" by Melly & Me)

And, perhaps the greatest gift from this little word was finding something I've longed for my entire life: true peace and joy.  This little word taught me that true joy and peace come in a way that is completely the opposite of the way we think they come.   Authentic peace and joy come not from having everything under control,  not from frantically trying to keep it all together, not from being perfect, not from being skinny, not from having a perfectly kept house, not from being Superwoman.  No, true joy and true peace come in quietness and trust, they come in relishing the simple things in life, they come in rest. 

("Grandma's Apron" by Lori Holt of Bee In My Bonnet)

Yet, with all of this, I feel as if I have just scratched the surface of the depth and richness of that one little word - rest.  I lost my way many times this year, but just kept going back to this little word - rest (and, you all reminded me to rest in your comments and e-mails, too :o)!!  I feel like this flowering into the fullness, richness, and goodness of life that comes with rest is just beginning.  I think I could chose this Word for several more years, and still have oodles to learn.  And, so, my word for 2012 is very closely related to Rest, and I'll be sharing that soon!

(from the book "Get Red, Red, Ready for Christmas" by Natalie Ross)

For today, I want to invite you all to Word Up with me in 2012 - to choose one, single little word that could completely transform your life, and share your Word with us here.  And, also, to invite those of you who did Word Up last year to share your stories about your Word for last year!  I'll be looking forward to your Words, and to hearing your stories! 

("Piggy Tails Penny" by Raggedy Pants Designs)

I'm raising my cuppa and toasting with you all - "Here's to One Little Word, and to Many Amazingly Transformed Lives!"!

TTFN,

Kelly